Twenty-Five

Today is my 25th birthday. Whoa. I've been on this earth for a quarter of a century.

I've been actually dreading this birthday for quite some time--for two reasons. One being that I'venever been a big fan of my birthday. I can't really say why, but I just don't like a big deal to be made out of my birthday. Other people's birthday I quite enjoy, but when it comes to my own, I'd rather just skip over it.

The other reason is far more complicated. I'm letting myself be vulnerable with this information, so I hope I express it succinctly enough.

25 years is a milestone. How many times do you hear about a couple's 25th Wedding Anniversary or a company celebrating 25 years with some sort of celebration. It's a nice number, divisible by 5 and recognized in our currency as a quarter. Thus, turning 25 years old is kind of major mile marker along the road of life. But there is a huge road block as I approach this mile marker. As I turned 25, I feel that I have nothing to show for it. I haven't done anything fantastic in my 'professional life'. While most of my friends are settling down and getting married, I'm the forever single girl, scared to death at the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone. It's not that I have some unrealistic vision of what I thought my life would be when I was 25--it was/is pretty basic: good job, a close knit circle of friends and maybe someone special to share life with. I've never even had my heart broken. Seems pretty silly to want to have your heart broken, I know, but a broken heart is a sign of something good--it means you were loved and loved someone. Means you tried for something. At 25, the only thing I've ever broken is my collarbone.

I just feel like in the pond of life, I'm splashing like hell to keep my head above water, but most days its the most difficult thing to do. I just feel so lost. I'm living in a city that has more people in it than I've ever lived near and at times I can't help feeling more alone than ever.

In general, I'm fine. I just have days, my 'Debbie Downer Days' when all these thoughts swarm my head. I know...I know...Pity Party of 1, right?

Happy Birthday to me.